Film Complaint: Beowulf in 3D

— by Caroline on Crack

WARNING: Ultra violence, gore and “nudity” in the above trailer.

I’ll keep this short. This movie sucks. Sure, seeing it in 3D was pretty cool but that novelty wore off pretty fast during that first scene in the mead hall where Danes were getting their limbs torn off and flung about by Grendel. Blech! Mind the falling torso! Apart from that interesting bit of technology? Boooring. Lonnnng and boring.

By the time you get to that part they keep showing in the trailer where Beowulf is yelling something about how this is Sparta, I mean, how he. Is. Beowulf. you just don’t care. He’s a bad ass. So what?

And maybe you think, “Well at least there’s Angelina Jolie to look forward to,” but you’d be wrong. Even she’s not enough to keep things interesting. She’s naked in 3D and dripping in gold and speaks with an oddly placed Russian accent, but meh. I’m sure even the young men who had flocked to the show we went to at the Bridge were disappointed.


Beowulf is ambitious, overbearing and hollow; it goes overboard to impress, yet it never feels truly inventive or imaginative.

Dotsara and I had a couple of cocktails at 12 Lounge before we went to see this movie and then worried that maybe watching it in 3D while buzzed wasn’t such a good idea. But in the end we decided that drinking more could have helped…immensely.

Anyway, her review was, “If you want to see a pretty cool 3D movie with crappy pacing and an even worse story: go see Beowulf.”

However, if you just want to take in a good movie, period, check out No Country for Old Men instead. Now THAT’s a movie I can’t stop thinking about. And it just seems to get better the more I think about it.

Beowulf, on the other hand, has the opposite effect. It just makes me angry and annoyed. What a gloriously, visually stunning waste of time.