Asstrolo-G's Random Horoscope

— by Caroline on Crack

Graphic by EGP

My bro Gerard, the asstrologer, felt obliged to inform you all why you are suffering from ennui today:

“Mercury sits still at the end of Aquarius, a dry spell, finally out of retrograde…because it is motionless, we have a very slow news week. Venus and Jupiter and Saturn are all in fire signs but the grand trine aspect should last through the weekend. Grand trines are normally a good happy affair but it seems Saturn and Venus together make it awful quiet, peaceful yet boring. And there it is—our asstro horoscope for today: Today you are very bored, so bored you need a drink.”