Asstrolo-G's Random Horoscope

— by Caroline on Crack

Asstrolo-G, aka my brother Gerard, has been an enthusiast of celestial bodies since he was 7 when he scrutinized the night sky with his high-powered telescope, and his love of stars naturally transitioned to asstrology once he moved to L.A.

Having studied the new age science for 12 years, he’s become adept at doing people’s charts, using the planets movements in relation to their aspects to project ahead to what might happen to them in the future. Friends have had him draw up charts for their newborn babies while others have him do it for their birthdays to see what will happen to them in the following year.

Sure, it’s all in good fun but eerily enough, his projections have always ended up happening. No, he’s not a psychic, although he’s a pretty handy tarot card reader, too. Nope, as Asstrolo-G says, “I am not psychic, but the planets end up telling the truth of our situations.”

His influences are L.A. Weekly’s Rocky Horoscope and Mark Lerner from

So it is with great pride that I introduce his random horoscope to this site. “Random” in that it won’t have a consistent schedule but will show up whenever there’s an asstrology event he sees fit to write about.